If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.