If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.