If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
I love wikipedia
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze