If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
as is their right
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?