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how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.