If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
😂😂😂
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂