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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.