Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.