If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Y’all ready for this
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
But is it really??
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert