If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The “baby” on the left….
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Discuss
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”