If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
You Might Also Like
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Whisper out to librarians!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Yup….perfect score!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
