Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters