If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
A short story about romance.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
#TopTip
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
✌️
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.