If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”