If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Nice try Hitler
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’m not lazy
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!