Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

i hate you platonically

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

My time has come.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Thank heavens for community notes

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no