If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’