If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.