If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
What about second breakfast?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
#math
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste