Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Pizza is an emotion right?

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

good let them take over I have had enough

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder