If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
when someone compliments me
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”