If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I bet birds love this building.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name