Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

idk flipping houses looks really hard

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.