If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be