If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’ve disappointed better people.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: