if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.