Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult