if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
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Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
A friend sent me this.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok