Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Alexa, make me look good naked.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.