If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign