If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone