If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.