If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
You Might Also Like
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
hackers play passwordle
Ladies, why y’all do this?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.