Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

I self medicate, therefore you live.