Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.