Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Accurate

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.