Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise