Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Good dog. ❤️

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.