if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You Might Also Like
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
what’s in a name?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
