if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
fourth time’s the charm
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
this is literally a CIA plant
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours