if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You Might Also Like
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*