If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.