Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

…..pretty much.