If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Pat is about to own someone
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.