If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Don’t touch that.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Poetry is my passion
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
don’t we all
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear