If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry