any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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My birth announcement for our third baby
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.