The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
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Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
prepare for carbonated trouble
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.