Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.