Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

more water

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Haha! 😂