Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.