Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…