Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.