Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Breaking news:

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*