If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
be careful
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Google assistant rules
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!