If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.