My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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Succinctly put.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Quadruple digit IQ
what it’s like dating me:
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.