If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week