Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…u ok Nintendo?

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!