Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

🤣

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”