If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My birthstone is pecan pie.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/