Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.