Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter