Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

He wanted to make sure😂

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?