Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter