Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”