Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Oops I deleted….

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

😂

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Planet of the Apps.

respect

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.