If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.