If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Truth
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*