If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
You Might Also Like
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.