If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”