Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

So we got a goldfish…

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character