“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
man i love columbo
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The pasta is now
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”