“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
my mind
You just read my mind
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.