Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*