if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!