@KingRainhead

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

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@hellohappy_time

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

@andlikelaura

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

@XplodingUnicorn

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

@Peauxtassium

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@GloriaFallon123

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen