If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”