If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”