Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

A choir of Spring onions

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.